Secret Agent ... Kid

My children will someday be fluent in English by age 4, Arabic by age 6, Spanish by age 8, Chinese by 11. They will all take some type of martial art, gymnastics, and be able to dance if needed. They will read a wide array of books and learn about cultures around the world. They will be highly trained in many areas. They will be introduced to real heroes, who have sacrificed to save their country and the world. In short, they will be the next Spy Kids, but on a whole new level.

I’m sure you’re wondering how I am going to have such accomplished children. I’m wondering somewhat of the same thing, but where there is a will, there is a way. I may not be Ironman, but I do have an iron will.

First, I need to find someone who shares my dream for very accomplished, highly trained children. That’s not really first date material, but I’m sure it will come up eventually. It might help if he was in some kind of dangerous occupation to begin with. Then he might be more inclined to that area of expertise.

Second, I need to find an old family friend, preferably British and very cultured, to hang around my children. He would be able to get my kids interested in things outside the house. Well, if he’s going to be an old family friend, I best get busy finding him right about now. Oh yes. He can also teach them to drive. And he’ll be rich, so perfect for those trips to Europe and Asia he’ll be giving as rewards for good grades.

Third, I need to have a bit of culture myself. A language or two, some foreign business experience, design classes, and sewing classes. Why sewing class you ask? That’s simple. Someone has to be able to make their disguises. And the design classes are simply so that I can become their forger. Messy work when you have to take it outside the family.

Fourth, find the perfect location to raise such a family. I was thinking maybe a deserted island, but that tends to cut out the number of acceptable schools. They could be homeschooled, but they really need to be in town for the benefit of the masters. I also considered a large metropolis like New York or Atlanta. There would be a wide array of schools and professionals to teach them, but I’m afraid that could get a little bit hectic. I think we will have to settle in France. Lots of culture over there and I’ve heard that they can use accountants over there. So my job market would be secure, my children would receive culture, they would also have to learn French, I could learn to cook, and so many different countries surround France. And it wouldn’t be too much of a transplant for our old family friend. He wouldn’t have to cross the ‘pond’, only the Channel.

I’ve heard this crazy old saying about how parents tend to want to live out their dreams through their children. How absurd. Did I want to be a spy as child? It’s hard to sa..YES. I admit it. I can hear some of you now, protesting about what a horrible life this would be a child. Are you thinking clearly? They would be spies! Enough said. And all super spy families have a special bond with each other. And even if they don’t choose to become spies, they will have a considerable -foot-in-the-door with whatever life path they choose. But they will decide to become spies. How could they choose any differently? Spies look cool.

Juni and Carmen, watch your back. The next generation is coming.